Tuesday, February 26, 2013

You Used To Be Much More... Muchier. You've Lost Your Muchnes.

The ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world
are the ones that do.

You're not an alcoholic, 
You're soberphobic.

Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.

 You can't buy love
but you pay heavily for fot.

If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool.

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, ‘Oh crap, she’s up.’

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.

Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.

If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people just like you.

A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body.

Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.